What am I waiting for?

Waiting for my order in the endlessly long line at Chick-fil-A… Staring at my Facebook page, anticipating comments on that latest clever post… Steeling myself to wait with hope and not resignation as another year passes me by, my desire for marriage still unfulfilled… From the mundane to the painfully monumental, much of life is spent waiting, eagerly peering around the corner, wondering when that desired outcome will finally arrive.  My heart knows very well the pang of waiting. I’m 33 years old and with all my heart I long to become a wife and mother. This has been my desire for over a decade, but God in His wisdom has not yet granted this desire. I say yet, because I do believe He has these gifts for me someday soon. But not for now. So here I wait. And wait, and wait… One morning, right in the midst of my struggle, God used Isaiah 30:18 to gently lift my gaze upwards. Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. Through this Scripture the Lord began asking me a simple question: "What are you waiting for?” Well, there are lots of things I’m waiting for! A godly man to pursue me. The day I become a Mrs. Someone. Little babies to cradle in my arms and call my own.  But as I read this verse, it was as if the Lord removed the blinders in an instant, opening my eyes to clearly see truth. My only expectation, my driving desire, the thing I wait for with all my heart, must be God and God alone.  Blessed are those who wait for him... See, when my entire life is marked by waiting for marriage, disappointment lurks around every corner. The new gentleman that seems to be interested in me, but hasn’t sought me out for conversation or attention in the past week…?  Pangs of disappointment.  Unmet expectations.  That guy I thought should pursue me and instead is bewitched by my close friend…ah!  Discontent. Bitterness creeping in.   These pungent tastes my heart knows all too well. I am slowly learning that while my good God waits to be gracious to me and show me mercy upon mercy, He loves me far too much to allow my heart to settle for cheap substitutes and temporary pleasures that will ultimately not satisfy.  God and God alone is the source of my heart’s deepest satisfaction, greatest joy, and chief enjoyment. Do I believe this? Oh, I believe this intellectually. I know it's true. But I want to really believe it in my heart of hearts, in the places deep down that are raw with unfulfilled longings. I want this truth to seep in fully and completely, drenching every crevice with sweet grace. On those days when I find myself struggling to believe that God has good for me, when I wonder if marriage will ever come, when my eyes are blinded by tears, Oh, Lord, would you tip my chin once again, that I might behold you? That I might see you as the one source of all joy and satisfaction? And may I, by your grace, fix my hope fully on you. All the pent up desires for other things laid at your feet. For if I wait on you, I will never be disappointed. You have already proved, in the greatest display imaginable, your love for me on Calvary. If you chose me, rescued me from the death I deserved, and then set your love upon me, oh you will be faithful in all of this.  My rumblings are suddenly quieted.  I fix my eyes on my Savior, and I wait.